Adventures of a woman-child

The more wise I become! I amaze myself…and I give the glory to my Jesus!

Unfortunately, not everyone allows themselves to experience such a privilege. 

But truly, the Lord has really been “seasoning”, so to speak, me over the last couple years. Through said wisdom, I watch out for warning signs…and i LISTEN to them. I know what to pray for - and am thankful when I realize He is faithful to answer my prayers. 

This verse caught my eye last night while going over 1 Thessalonians 4 at The Gathering - 

“Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.”

It’s amazing to see His handiwork. It’s an amazing feeling when you take each moment as it is, not jumping to conclusions. It’s an amazing feeling when a dumb little thing can totally give you a different perspective over a heartbreaking situation. 

Lessons have been learned, my expectations have grown, and my faith in my FAITHFUL Lord Jesus has increased.

Over some stupid little thing…

But a stupid little thing He knew I needed. 

He really is amazing…

And His grace and mercy is never ending. 

It’s not good to be afraid to pray for something, He already knows it all…you can’t hide! Bring it to His throne - and His will WILL be done!

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus! 

The Lord is my ultimate provider, always providing for me in unexpected ways. 

I am a worrier by genes, always thinking too much about stuff the Lord has in His hands.

The two jobs I’ve had in my life were placed so easily in my lap, that it almost felt like i didn’t deserve them. Starbucks was the first and only business I got an application for three years ago. I just so happened to apply at the perfect time, for the manager was looking for replacements. The day i got hired was my first day on the floor, and in Starbucksland that doesn’t happen very often…

2 1/2 years later….

Last October Jaden’s parents were in Arizona, my mom having a job and Heather having the baby, couldn’t fill in for Stacey’s secretary position at the shoppe. Therefore, Jaden asked me if I could come in for a couple days. A desk job has always been something I wanted and i loved it! Once Jamie and Stacey got back, they asked if I would like to work here on a more consistant basis…and of course i agreed! I wasn’t even looking for a job, but the Lord provided.

In March I decided on becoming a nutritionist, and wanted to go back to school. But between two jobs, church, and school…something had to give. And I realized that it was time to move on from Starbucks. 

Though i was relieved and ready to move on, the thought of only having one job without tips frightened me. I was worried that I couldn’t afford everything: rent, utilities, gas, food, phone, etc. Thankfully Stacey is very good with finances and all that, and did enlighten me with some of her wisdom. But even still, I was worried. I am a HORRIBLE spender!

But the funny thing I realized, is that every time I worry about money…my bank account is always at its worst. And when I just put the worry behind me, I’m always fine! So i tried SO hard not to worry about it, but the anxiety still was present. And the I was blessed and once again reminded of His provision. I got a raise at the shoppe! Not just any raise, a whole dollar! Which is quite a raise seeing it that at Starbucks I was lucky to get a .25 raise! 

But then i caught myself STILL worrying about it! He gave me this raise, He blessed me, He wanted my heart to be at peace…but I was fighting it!

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” Philippians 4:6

Jesus has always loved me, and always will…

but what i forget to acknowledge is that i make a bigger impact on some people than what i thought.

Within my sisters, Heather has always been the leader…and Sarah and i are her followers. But I never really realized that besides the vain stuff, my little sister, even though she is married, really does look up to me. I realized this last week at a Bible study for young adults, i brought my little sister and our friend Chloe’ along. I have made it a point to take notes during Bible studies so I can remember it, and i noticed that almost every time i wrote something down, Sarah did the same on a piece of paper from my journal. The following Sunday, she brought her own journal. 

…i know this may not seem to…eye opening, it was for me. I have worried about my sister and her relationship with Jesus for a little while now…and it never occurred to me that by being strong in my faith, it would effect my sister.

And even more than that is Chloe’. I have known her since she was a 3 year old! I have watched her grow into a very sweet and selfless (almost)19 year old. But i have been VERY worried about her, being that despite her sweet self she is very naive. She has a boyfriend who is not saved as far as i am aware, and i am pretty sure they don’t lead the purest of relationships. But by bringing her to the Bible study and being around her, she has a new passion to make church a regular thing. And what happens from there is being put in the hands of Jesus. 

I know that it isn’t because of me, but because of Jesus….i just never really think that i can make an impact on people…especially those i really love. But Jesus is amazing and knows how to bless His children in ways they don’t expect. I love Him so very much!

I have NEVER been the type to set resolutions for the new year…rather I set up resolutions at random times of the year. This year, ironically some resolutions came up right around December 31 and on that day I realized I have two.

1. Less time on the computer
I have battled an addiction (i will admit it) to the internet for years…more specifically myspace and facebook. I can spending countless meaningless hours doing who know’s what on these websites…and I started feeling convicted of it. That being said, I gave my laptop to my sister for safe keeping. It’s weird. I mean REALLY REALLY weird.
I get home and don’t go on the computer first thing..I don’t quite know how to occupy my time…I’ve been reading more and have had some awesome fellowship with my roommates and other friends this past week. I also have been consuming my time with my second goal…
I’m just glad I actually did something about this…

2. To get fit
I know this is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cliche’ but it’s true. My goal isn’t to lose weight, but just to get fit. I hate how lazy I’ve become. I know that I can get in amazing shape really quick. That being said, I’ve been running more. I hate running, but I have a good neighborhood for it now and also get to spend some time with Jesus on those runs. So far I’ve been on two this last week, and I found out I ran 1.8 miles yesterday! Most of it was running as well.
When I begin to feel as though I am done running and ready to walk…I just think of Jesus and how he fasted for 40 days and I know that if He as a man can do that…I can run for 1/4 more of a mile. Ha. Like Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me”
Sad thing though with the cold air is that I think I may have exercise induced asthma, after my first run I began coughing a lot and felt wheezy…but it wasn’t that bad yesterday…so who knows!

The thing about this break up, is that I could have done without the relationship. What good has it brought me except a lost friendship and almost constant frustration. Bitterness towards God, too. I know God has a reason for it, but I just don’t understand why He wanted me to give my heart away again.

To have the peace to go through with the relationship seemed impossible because I never had that kind of peace before. Even when dating the “man of my dreams” over two years ago, I had conviction. But this…this relationship had no obvious conviction. So why did it have to end? Why? Gosh..why am i so stuck on this question? I wish I would have never dated him. I wish he would just get cleared for the marines and go oversea’s for a long time. I wish it never happened. I know it wasn’t a mistake, I just wish he’d just disappear forever. Maybe I should just go away, move in with my dad. Bah.

I don’t feel like a woman…

nor do I feel like a child.

I realize this may semi remind you of a cheesy Britney Spears song, but it’s the truth. Hence the url of my blog, woman-child.

I heard it in a country song once and it stuck out to me.

I realize no one will probably ever read or care about what I have to say on here, but I am giving it a shot. Expect constant frustrations and complaints, but also times when I finally give up and realize God is in control.

To start you off, I shall give you a glimpse into my life…

I am a 21 year old girl who is going to school in hopes of being a nurse. But recently the question looming in my mind is, “will i still want to be this in five years? When I get married? When I have children?”

I finished reading a book, I can’t quite recall the name, but it basically stated that if marriage is what I want one day…then I gotta live like I am going to get married. That means preparing myself for marriage. And honestly, when I think of being a nurse…I become exhausted. Long days helping people all day…don’t get me wrong, i LOVE helping people. Service is one of my gifts…but a desk job sounds a lot more appealing.

I would just stop going to school, but I don’t want to let my dad down. Or make him feel as though he wasted his money.

I moved out in September to a nice house with four other girls. They are all super amazing, and I love it. I just hate how busy I become and how neglectful I have become to keeping everything clean. When I get an actual day off I am exhausted and want to be lazy. I also have come to the realization that I suck at eating. I could go most of the day without doing so. But for whatever reason I can’t go past noon without any coffee. I almost cried at Thanksgiving because I forgot how delicious my moms food is. As well as every time I ate the leftovers.

About six weeks ago the best relationship I have ever had ended. It lasted only two months, but in that two months I developed a close friendship and romance with a guy I could have easily called my best friend. I never had a relationship like it, it was ridiculously easy to talk to him. About anything. It took me over a year of even knowing him for God to make me realize that I had feeling for him, I knew he liked me for a while..and I made a point to not lead him on (after feeling guilty for doing so at the beginning). The reason I did not want to like him…was selfish beyond doubt…he is only a 1/4” taller than me. That’s it. And it prevented me from seeing what a wonderful person he was.

Now I look back at that time with regret…I wish I wasn’t so stupid and selfish.

And now…I am left feeling almost hopeless. These six weeks have gone by fast, but recently it has become super hard. Every time I see him talk to a girl I become jealous. Every time I see him smile I become mad. And every time he goes without acknowledging me by saying hi, I become disappointed.

The reason we break up is the reason it is so hard for me to move on. God changed my heart SO quickly that I know He planned for us to be together. We did everything seemingly right…Bible studies, prayer, fellowship. Granted we struggled with intimacy and how far…but most Christian couples do. Out of no where though…God took it all away. We tried and thought we were in the clear, but he came to the conclusion that it was no longer God’s will for us to be together. I can’t fight with that, and I can’t be bitter with him. But I am finding myself constantly asking, “Why?”

Why did God take him away after I gave my heart to him?

Why did God make this relationship come about anyway?

Why did my heart have to change when I was content being single?

Why?

I love seeing him, being around him. But after everyone departs my mind goes wild and I often become down. I miss him.

He seemed to move on so easily…I wish he could know how hard of a struggle this is for me. I wish I could understand why God did this. I hope that one day we can be back together. I hope I don’t give up hope. I hope that if we aren’t meant to be together again, I can move on quickly so my broken heart won’t prevent me from discovering new possibilities.

You see…I am not a woman yet. I don’t consider myself one. And the funny thing is…is that I can’t call my ex a man yet. It just doesn’t fit him. So maybe God wants us to mature more.

He gave me a note less than a week before we broke up that I keep going back to….he tells me he loves me and will always be here for me. He ended with 1 Corinthians 13, “love never fails” was the last sentence, and he underlined it. I know love doesn’t fail. I just don’t know if I should give up the eros love I have for him.

Well…I need to stop procrastinating. This is probably too much info, but it’s nice getting it all out.